SITE TOOLS
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The School of Athletics: Designing the Core of A Satirical
Semiprofessional Curriculum
By Lisa R. Foeman
Fannie Lou Hamer surely hit the nail on the head when she declared,
“I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” As a self-described sports
connoisseur, I’m personally sick and tired of the lack of respect given to the
intellectual prowess and model behavior of many college athletes. Year after year, they
exercise sound judgment and flaunt an amazing mastery of those skills that will make them
consummate professionals.
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Can you imagine a world where this is
the norm for the majority of collegiate athletes? How, you say?
A university School of Athletics, of course! It’s not a new idea. The late former
chancellor of Vanderbilt University proposed such a semiprofessional sports school in his
memoir, “Purely Academic” (Vanderbilt University Press, 1978). William H. Honan
renewed the call this summer in a New York Times article entitled “On Campus,
It’s Not A Game” (August 16, 2000). Now, I’m challenging those
athletic powerhouses to implement a semiprofessional sports school at their respective
universities. It’s not like they have to spend a whole lot of time and money
designing the curriculum. I’ll do that for them. Below are the core courses
guaranteed to ensure winning programs and stellar professional sports careers for their
athletes.
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Persuasive Bargaining Techniques.
Using the case study method, this course will examine the use of legal and ethical ways to
pay the least amount of money possible for highly valuable merchandise. Former Florida
State University star wide receiver Peter Warrick could be featured as a guest lecturer,
speaking on the topic “Doesn’t It Feel Good To Pay Less?” Warrick could
disclose the strategies he used to pay $21 for more than $400 worth of clothing from a
Florida Dillard’s department store. As a bonus, he could provide explicit guidance on
how to persuade a prosecutor to drop felony charges to a misdemeanor.
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Etiquette 101. Who other than
the esteemed Knight (oops, that’s Coach Knight or Mr. Knight) to teach this seminar?
Highly regarded conformists Latrell Sprewell and Rasheed Wallace could assist Coach Knight
with this demonstration course.
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Introduction to Hypocrisy. This
course could use a primer authored by Khalid El-Amin, former University of Connecticut
standout guard and devout Muslim, who has an illegitimate child and was arrested for
marijuana possession the day after being honored by his hometown of Minneapolis for
leading the Huskies to the 1999 NCAA crown. Student-athletes enrolled in this course will
write a personal mission statement. They will be expected to publicly act in contravention
of those statements by the end of the semester. Grades will be awarded based upon
originality and outrageousness of the public acts.
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Advanced Ghostwriting. Clem
Haskins, ousted University of Minnesota basketball coach, could teach this intensive
course aimed at evaluating the athletic department’s tutors. All student-athletes
will be expected to provide the paid tutors for the athletics department with their course
syllabi to ensure that all papers and other homework assignments are completed on a timely
basis. Any work actually completed by the student-athlete as required by the
university’s honor code will receive a failing grade. Remember: this
course is designed to teach student-athletes the art of delegation.
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Ethical Cheating. A star-studded
cadre of former athletes, all point-shaving enthusiasts, from Northwestern University,
Arizona State, Tulane and Boston College, could alternate teaching this course. Students
will be presented with an ethical dilemma - throw one game for an untraceable, one-time,
cash payment of $5,000. Any student unwilling to take advantage of this opportunity will
be subject to an investigation by the NCAA. Beware: any student who does opt for the cash
payment will also be subject to an investigation by the NCAA. The NCAA - that
anachronistic monster - must stay in business somehow.
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Introduction to Romance.
Lawrence Philips, much maligned former Nebraska Cornhusker running back, could be the
marquee instructor for this course. Notorious for allegedly “putting his hands”
on women as a student-athlete and as a professional, Philips has a rap sheet as long as
the Mississippi River. How many people can be arrested three times and serve 23 days in
jail in nineteen months all the while playing in 25 NFL games? Philips did so while a St.
Louis Ram during the 1996-97 season. Be prepared - this course will require weekly trips
to the local pokey to interview hometown wife beaters.
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The Criminal Millionaire. No one
is more qualified than former Florida State kicker Sebastian Janikowski, first round draft
pick of the bad boys, Oakland Raiders, to teach this course. Janikowski’s credentials
include a no contest plea to “failing to leave the property” of a Florida bar in
August 1998, a no contest plea to underage drinking in February 1999, and an arrest this
past June for felony possession of GHB - the date rape drug. Professor Janikowski’s
repeated run-ins with the law do not mean certain failure. On the contrary, only in
America could such an individual become a millionaire. Janikowski’s five-year
contract with the Raiders is worth $6.05 million. So, take careful notes in this important
course.
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Who’ll be the first sports powerhouse to undertake
the challenge? M
September 2000
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What are your suggestions for possible
elective
courses in the satirical school of athletics?
POST YOUR COMMENTS!Click Here
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